Lately, I’ve been getting the strange realisation that I am diabetic. I mean, obviously, I know I have been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and I manage it daily, but I think it has taken me up until now to actually realise it and process it properly. As an automatic reaction around food, I am forced to think about my insulin needs. Every so often I wonder if this is really my life. Am I really different now? Do I really have an autoimmune disease?
For the rest of my life I will be thinking about insulin, its measurements and how it will affect my blood glucose. Am I doing a good enough job for myself? Am I annoying to others when I ask them the carb content of the food they are preparing for me? Does it bother them that I have to pay so much attention to my needs even if there is something serious going on? I was wondering what it would be like to have a day off, to forget that I know what it means to “bolus”. As I write this I can see my Insulin Pump resting on the waist band of my pyjamas and it makes me ask myself; am I really wearing a device that pretty much acts as my life support? Why do I know what an Animas Vibe is?
This post might seem a bit depressing and “woe is me” but I assure you it is not. I am not complaining about having this disease, I am trying to let it sink in. Should it be this hard to sink in? When I was diagnosed it was something I grasped really quickly and I just took control of it. When my blood sugar was “hi” and the doctor told me I have diabetes she was looking for more of a reaction than the reaction she got from me. I just said “ok”. She asked me how I feel about it and I said “I just have to get on with it”. She told me that people usually burst into tears at the point of diagnosis. I told her I was too tired to react. I was really, really tired.
Did / does anybody else feel like this? Every day I look at my type 1 active instagram and I am inspired by people who manage the same disease as me. You know what I go through, maybe you can relate to my thoughts? Would it be too intrusive of me to ask you what your thoughts are on having this disease? Can I find out how well you think you manage it?
Let me know in the comments below or contact me.
Rowena x
Type 1 Active 